And they knew I was coming over...

Realtors don’t judge, but we have seen everything . . . and we could write a book.

Tell-all books continue to be the rage, but the story you want to tell about the home you are going to sell or lease should be happy, not scandalous. Buyers or potential lessees should be delighted to see the space you are offering, not bombarded with unexpected situations.

Just this week I visited a lovely home to prep it for a spring sale. It offered an up-close look at the lingering impact of COVID donfinement. At the moment, this house takes real imagination to picture former bedrooms in their original state, littered as they are with ring lights, files, PCs, office chairs and more files.

Unwanted surprises can be the simple crunching of a Lego piece or ink pen under a boot, or shocking eyeballs out of their sockets with inappropriate “artwork” of unclothed subjects, animals mounted on the wall and framed political revolution flyers.

You would think that owners would put prescription drugs away, stash the cash and watches and hide their private correspondence, Social Security numbers and password lists. Unfortunately, in many cases you’d be wrong. Also, often in plain view are too many personal photos, knickknacks and geegaws distracting the visitors.

And, if not just distracting, you can unintentionally create worries. Obviously broken items, all-too-fresh paint and sticky notes claiming “as-is,” “plumber coming back,” “mold test underway” or “pardon the mouse traps” can raise concerns about the level of maintenance the house has received during your ownership. Reading any detailed brochure copy will be helpful, but a now-startled buyer may offer thousands of dollars less than originally considered or simply walk away.

Corral the pets, too, because hyper-amorous dogs or slinky cats in need of attention can literally trip up buyers or tenants. If you leave the house, take the four-legged ones along. Slow-moving tortoises in a glass terrarium are just fine, but keep the other animal life out of the tour. Even a screeching macaw makes just too much noise and suddenly the rooms feel small, I know from experience.

Under construction? Just removed those steps to the basement? Forgot to put up yellow “caution” tape? A dear real estate friend took a step through an unmarked doorway and broke both of her arms when she suddenly landed on the basement floor below.

Remember The Shawshank Redemption. “Why?” Think twice before plastering a room with posters, even if it is your personal shrine to Justin Bieber or Raquel Welch, because people might think someone is either hiding wall imperfections or an escape tunnel.

Humans are a tricky commodity, as well. Tenants may not “get with the program.” Even after giving hours and sometimes days’ notice, my compatriots and I have walked in to find bodies in the shower, racked out in bed, cooking some odorous food or smoking cigars and more. Lordy, you’d be surprised what Realtors see!

Owners can be careless, too. Good grief, they agreed to the appointment. You’d think they’d move the ragged pile of magazines from the den, announce the wet deck stain, clean up dog “bombs” in the yard or throw some mosquito poison pellets in the stagnant fountain to shoo away the flying carnivores.

Discretion is always the by-word and the goal is to have happy buyers and tenants thrilled by what they see when entering your residence. Boring as it may be, creating appeal for all simply means neutrality, fresh paint, good lighting and no nudes.

Wish we could leave this tome with gentle reminders, such as “do not wax the wood steps” or “sweep acorns off the steep driveway,” since I will absolutely fall on my “duff” again, but I have a public service challenge here – to keep you out of the annals of real estate lore or the book I might write!

Ann Duff is a licensed real estate agent in VA, DC and MD with McEnearney Associates, Inc. in Old Town Alexandria, VA. If you would like more information on selling or buying in today’s complex market, contact Ann at 703-965.8700 or visit her website AnnDuff.com.